It Is OKAY to Let Your Child to Lose – A Rant

Today’s post is a little different from me – I am not usually a ranter but after a pretty crazy weekend at a soccer festival I felt like I had to write this post!

My son has played competitive soccer for the last four years and the game has changed a lot from when I was a child especially in the competitive area. The rules have changed for the under ten age groups to encourage FUN and PARTICIPATION with the long term goal to keep children in the sport – who wants to play a sport where they are constantly yelled at? I know I gave up soccer when my coach humiliated me in front of my teammates by repeatedly throwing a soccer ball at my head to get me over my fear of heading the ball. The soccer association has changed the rules so that players must wait behind the centre line on goal kicks until the ball has been touched twice to allow the team the chance to bring the game forward, no score is kept and there are no tournament trophies (first and last place). We coached house league as well and the head coach advised us there will be no more “laps” as it takes the focus away from the love of soccer.

This past weekend we attended a soccer festival where the emphasis was placed on fun and meeting new teams as technically the soccer season was complete. Our team was so excited to meet new players and be challenged. They had a fantastic Saturday – they won two out of their three games but the best part? Watching their amazing passes, cheering each other on and the confidence they had. For those that have never met these boys they would never have known they started the season with low confidence in themselves. Their coach worked very hard this season to bring up this confidence, teach them to believe in themselves and you can see it in how they play – they found their passion for soccer. As a parent this is the best feeling we could have ever felt – that is why we take him out four to five times a week to play because he loves to play.

Their whole vibe was changed on the Sunday when they played a more advanced team but not because of the players but because of the parents. I have never in my life witnessed such verbally mean parents – not only to their own children but to ours and to our team’s parents. Not only were the parents just plain mean but they encouraged their children on the sidelines to be mean as well – one of their children had the courage to tell me in not so nice terms that I wont be cheering for long (my son had just scored!). I was in shock especially as her mother joined in (all I could think was if this was my child talking to another adult like that I would be humiliated – it just wouldn’t have happened!). Her husband came up to tell me we must be cheating and our goalie has to be older because they have never not scored in a game. When they finally scored in the last minute that mother jumped up and walked several feet towards me and yelled at me “In your face!”. My response? To laugh (mostly out of shock). Her husband came over to try to explain and I just told him that he can defend her but that is inappropriate especially for a FRIENDLY game that has no score and doesn’t advance the team anywhere.

The worst part? Our children were witness to this.

The lesson?

It is OKAY to lose! These parents were so upset about losing that they could not focus on their children’s passing and plays (which I can admit were quite incredible for their age group) – they lost out on just enjoying watching them play. Losing is important for children. They need to learn to lose with grace as well as learning why they lost. We are never always going to win – it’s just a plain fact. It’s not the best feeling but it is life. We need to learn how to accept this and move on. But what does this teach their children when their parents scream and fight for them? That when they can’t win they should yell that someone is cheating because it is not possible? Or to run to their parents to make it better? As parents it is our job to teach and guide our children – focus on the positives and learn the lessons from the negatives. Let our children enjoy the game – our finals words to our son each and every time he heads out on the field? Good luck and have fun. As parents we need to sit back and just enjoy these moments, watch them progress and learn.

Have you ever experienced this on the field or in an arena? How do you handle these situations?